||Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
||[returning from a trip to Cuba, 2015] Maybe it isn't a bad form of diplomacy to send a comedian over.
||If you wanted the most simple way to understand how America changed between 1954 and 2005, it would be [that] we've mutated from Howdy Doody to Triumph. That's either really good news or bad new for America. I'm suspecting it's bad news.
||[jokingly, on similarities with Howdy Doody] I'm controlled by others, I have artificial joints, and I have no soul. These freckles are painted on.
||[Final words at the final The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (2009)]: And all I ask is one thing and this is... I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch. Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism; for the record, it's my least favorite quality, it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, it's just true.
||If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.
||"I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
||If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.
||The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'