||Why can't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
||Be awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down.
||Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
||My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
||I like to make people laugh. Dey like me. What more could I want?
||Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
||I hate music, especially when it's played.
||[ad-libbing with Bob Hope ] When it comes to noses, you're a retailer. I'm a wholesaler!
||[on his funny looks as a child] I'd go home [from school] and cry. I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, crossed eyes, or their stuttering.